By Darren Parkin
The mischievous makers of mirth at Planet Crypto have been dipping their brushes in the paint pots again. And this week it’s the US banks providing the canvas. Remember, it’s just a bit of fun…
Banking chiefs have congratulated themselves on the speedy collapse of four U.S. banks.
Curran Taccount, of the American Banking Alliance, told Planet Crypto, “People tout crypto as superior to banking because of its speed and efficiency, but I think this demonstrates the great strides we’ve made in this area. I mean, bank runs used to take days or weeks, but we’ve just lost three in a weekend. Three! It just goes to show how nimble and responsive the modern banking sector is. We should all pat ourselves on the back.”
Indeed, the CEOs of First Republic, Silvergate, Silicon Valley, and Signature Banks are all now in line to receive huge performance-related bonuses for the speed of their respective collapses.
“Bankers bonuses are often criticised but these bosses were incentivized to make efficiencies and by God, they delivered. They’ve reduced staff costs and overheads to zero overnight. Another win for banking, I’d say.”
Bank CEOs were also praised for getting their hands dirty when customers desperate to withdraw funds were queuing round the block. “I saw CEOs out on the pavement, encouraging customers to get in and out as fast as possible so the bank could collapse asap. The speed at which they were being pushed through, it was like watching parachutists getting shoved out of a plane. Really impressive stuff.”
Bank bosses are now looking at ways to speed up contagion in the banking system so that a complete systemic collapse can happen more efficiently. “At the moment, bank runs rely on rumour and hearsay. So we’re looking at some sort of blockchain where everyone can see exactly which bank is going down next. Suffice to say, we’re very excited about banking’s future.”
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