Former President Donald Trump prevented quite the spectacle when he secured a $91.6 million bond in his New York civil defamation trial this week, according to the woman he was found liable for defaming.
An exuberant E. Jean Carroll Friday replied to the news on her Substack that Trump had coughed up the cash a federal court ordered him to pay with a hat tip to her attorney Robbie Kaplan resplendent in its imagery.
"Though the illustrious Robbie Kaplan...is strong enough to yank a golden toilet out of the floor at Trump Tower and toss it through the window," Carroll wrote, "this bond saves Robbie the trouble of showing up with US Marshals on Monday to do so."
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Despite the ex-president's propensity for gold — he'd have to sell more than 200,000 pairs of his $399 golden sneakers to pay Carroll's $83.3 million claim — no reports show he owns a golden toilet.
The closest Trump came to such a seat was the one offered to him by the Guggenheim Museum in lieu of a requested Van Gogh during his tenure in the White House.
"What else can you give a man who regularly boasts he has everything and whose New York home boasts gold ceilings, golden plant pots and a gold lift?" the Guardian wrote at the time. "A golden toilet might seem like the ultimate homage."
That Trump's only gilded head is the one that sits atop his shoulders didn't stop Carroll's message from spurred jubilation among her readers, who took to the comments section to celebrate.
"I am twirling around my living room shouting 'hell yes!' which is scaring the cats and probably my half-deaf downstairs neighbor who can’t speak English," replied Jena Ball. "I don’t care! All I want to know is where to meet you for a hug and a celebratory dance!"
"I'm thrilled for you, and for America," added Ruth Ann Harnisch. "Your willingness to put yourself through these many years of unnecessary _____ is a gift to the country, and to every woman who has not been in a position to seek the justice you have been told by the courts you deserve."
"The unsinkable E. Jean Carroll has laid claim to a pirate’s ransom from Trump’s treasure chest," quipped Gloria Horton-Young, "to stave off the veritable legal Valkyrie, the indomitable Robbie Kaplan, whose sheer force of legal prowess is rumored to be capable of extracting gilt toilets from their very plumbing with nothing but the Law and her bare hands."
