By Coleen Nolan
Dear Coleen
My husband and I are both in our late 30s and have two young children. We’ve been together 14 years and met at our first job after leaving university.
We’ve always had a close relationship, and he’s a caring husband and father.
However, over the past 18 months, he’s changed and become quite distant and irritable. He also sees this guy he met playing in a squash league all the time. When I say “all the time”, I’m talking nearly every day and he also messages him constantly.
I’m not in touch with any of my friends this much, even my bestie. He’ll be texting this mate even when we’re out together or doing something with the kids. I’ve told him I don’t like it and that he should be focused on enjoying time with us, but it makes no difference.
I’ve started to get suspicious and paranoid that he’s having an affair with this guy, and that he’s gay or bi. I never doubted his sexuality until this man turned up in our lives. We do have sex, but it’s not that often.
Occasionally, I’ve said bitchy things about his friend because I don’t like him and my husband hits the roof, calling me mean and unreasonable.
I think I need to talk to my husband about how this friendship is making me feel, but I keep putting it off.
I’m so stressed! Please help.
Coleen says
Yes, I absolutely agree that you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation. At the moment, you’re lashing out at his mate because you haven’t been able to tell your husband how you really feel and what your deepest fears are.
You can’t ignore it because these doubts aren’t going to just go away and your husband is unlikely to change his behaviour.
When you’re stressed, it’s hard not to get angry, but try to keep the conversation calm so you can get across how much of an impact it is having on your self-esteem and your wellbeing. And be clear that it’s got to a point where you think they might be sleeping together.
You have to be prepared that if he does open up, it might not be the response you’re hoping for, but it’s still better to know the truth and decide how to deal with it.
And if it turns out that it’s not a sexual affair, then this bromance is clearly intruding way too
much in your relationship and family life.
In that case, you need to work out some boundaries that you’re both happy with.