DEAR MISS MANNERS: To my knowledge, longstanding tradition dictates that family and friends wear black attire to a wake and/or funeral. Over the years, I’ve noticed fewer and fewer people strictly following this practice.
My wife usually tries to get me to wear all black, even when briefly visiting a wake or informal service for someone we don’t know very well, such as a friend’s parent.
Although I prefer to be respectful and follow tradition when attending a funeral (I normally wear a dark suit), I don’t see any problem with people just dressing neatly, perhaps wearing subdued colors other than black, especially at a wake.
Is it acceptable to “lighten up” a little at these events?
GENTLE READER: Funerals have lightened up considerably, and not only in the matter of dress codes: If you don’t want your friends telling jokes at your expense, it would be best not to die at all.
This seems to be a deliberate departure from the traditional somber funeral, which was sometimes impersonal or hypocritical. But we do still sometimes see examples of the proper form -- at, of all things, funerals for national leaders.
When you see the televised funeral of a high official, everyone attending will be wearing black, in keeping with the symbolism of mourning. The speeches will be personalized with occasional light touches, but chiefly center on the person’s contributions to society.
Miss Manners has trouble understanding why citizens would not want to accord the same dignity to one another.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
