By Eve Wagstaff
Despite there being many leaps and strides in society to accept transgender people, there are still a lot of sensitive issues that some struggle to figure out.
A man named Peter* has revealed how he’s had to face up to his own shortcomings after he asked his girlfriend to ‘tuck’ her penis while his mum came to stay with them. Explaining the situation, the 26-year-old cis man shared that he and his girlfriend Kayla*, 23, had been dating for six months and recently moved in together.
He wrote: “She’s awesome and easy to live with and we have a great and healthy relationship. Kayla is trans and has been on HRT for about 5 years and has just about met all her transition goals, however, she has not had bottom surgery and has no desire to in the future.
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“Most people consider her to be quite attractive and you wouldn’t know she was trans just by looking at her. She has a lot of confidence and she’s very comfortable with who she is and how she looks. She doesn’t tell people that she is trans, apart from doctors and the like, because she doesn’t feel the need to and she says it’s no one’s business, most people just assume she’s cis female anyway. It’s never been much of an issue for us until now.”
Peter continued: “The issue is that Kayla doesn’t hide her ‘package’. She says tucking is uncomfortable for her and she doesn’t feel the need to make adjustments to herself for other people. She also isn’t small, she would be slightly above average for a guy.
“She often likes to wear jeans and denim shorts in public. Some days she will have a bulge in her clothes. I’ve pointed it out to her multiple times but she usually says that no one will notice and that she doesn’t care about it. At home, she likes to be comfortable and wear a long baggy shirt and optional pants kinda comfortable.”
Peter explained that while Kayla doesn’t seem to care or notice, he has spotted the looks of “disapproval and disgust” people give her. He added: “I’ve even seen one woman cover her child’s eyes. I’ve brought it up to her but she says she doesn’t take notice of those people and she just ignores them and it doesn’t bother her. I have no shame in being with my girlfriend but having strangers give us these looks does bother me a bit.”
The problem that is now coming up is that Peter’s mum is coming to stay with them for a bit before they all go to his cousin’s wedding. He admitted he was anxious as his mum didn’t know Kayla was trans and he felt that either she should tell her or make sure her ‘package’ was well hidden.
He continued: “I then asked her if she would be dressing more appropriately and she said of course she would be putting on more clothes. I said, ‘thank you but could you at least hide your d**k?’. This devolved into an argument about what was appropriate and what was fair and she was adamant that she shouldn’t have to hide who she is and make adjustments for other people.
“I told Kayla my mum would react negatively in some way if she didn’t tuck. Kayla then got angry and said my mother would be a bigot if that were the case and she called me an a**hole for trying to police her body and then she stormed off. Obviously, I don’t want to police her body but I also don’t want people including my mum to give us dirty looks.”
Sharing his side of the story on social media was eye-opening for Peter who was immediately told he was out of order. One person replied: “I adore your girlfriend’s sense of self and her confidence. What are all these people doing looking at her crotch anyway? She’s unapologetically herself and ironically you have to like it or lump it. You say you aren’t judging her but you are constantly asking her to change herself and live in discomfort.
“Why don’t you try tucking and wearing shorts? If it bothers you that much, leave her. Don’t ask her to change to just appease small-minded folk and so you don’t have to deal with your own feelings of shame.”
The Reddit community rallied around Kayla and advised Peter to shape up or ship off, which in a further post he explained that he had. After thanking everyone for their advice he revealed that he and Kayla had sat down and he had apologised for asking her to hide a part of herself.
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He wrote: “Thankfully she forgave me. Kayla told me she understands that I love and accept her for who she is but that I need to let go of some of the insecurities I have around our relationship. Turns out I was the one that needed reassurance. I was caring too much about what random people who don’t understand her or our relationship think.
“Kayla will not be changing how she dresses and I will try to not be bothered by things that ultimately don’t matter to us. As for my mum, I explained to Kayla what kind of person my mum is and we both agreed that it would be best to be a little more conservative while she is with us just to avoid unwanted situations.
“Kayla is still on the fence about telling my mum but she agreed that having the truth out on display probably wouldn’t be the best way to tell her. Kayla won’t be doing anything that makes her uncomfortable but we decided to take the opportunity to turn lemons into lemonade. We went shopping and Kayla picked out a few skirts and dresses she really likes and we figured that would be enough to avoid any headaches with my mum. Once the wedding is over everything will go back to normal.”
He finished by thanking everyone and adding that Kayla had seen the posts, too. He added: “You’ve made our unique relationship just that little bit better.”
*All names have been changed.
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