By Milo Boyd
Deborah and Atherton Gray shared a passion for travel few others can match, and spent their lives exploring the world - even after Atherton was diagnose with dementia.
Their first holiday together came in 1983 - a trip to Mexico which Deborah described as "an audition for the position of his girlfriend". It turned out she would succeed in matching his tolerance for "disgusting hotels and horrible insects" in a country that was then far from the thriving tourist destination it is today.
"Someone was shot near our hotel, where we were the only travellers. The rest was taken over by the army. My husband had a gun pointed at him at one point because his trunks got ripped off by the waves. This was 1983, if you go back that far, Mexico was still quite undeveloped," Deborah told the Mirror.
For many happy years the couple would leave their Wiltshire home to tread some of the world's less trodden paths, meeting people and seeing sights few others from the UK have.
On one occasion they travelled to Kathmandu, Nepal, after hearing that the Chinese embassy occasionally let Westerners into Tibet. After days of waiting, their visa arrived at the last possible moment, giving them time to dash over the border before guards let dogs loose on the road for the night.
Later they would swap the majesty of Everest and the Himalayas for Manaus, Brazil, where they accepted the offer of a river trip from two teenagers with a speedboat. Deborah, Atherton and their unofficial guides set off down the Amazon, enjoying several days of piranha fishing, canoeing and sleeping on a floating hotel that was "little more than a whole load of planks".
"It was really exciting. I came away thinking the world was such an interesting place. I've never lost that sense of the fragility of the planet. We did that with two toddlers at home," Deborah explained.
Given their Atherton's love for life and exploring, when he received a diagnosis of early on-set dementia it hit hard. "For someone so articulate and intelligent it seemed particularly cruel," his wife said.
Although the unwanted news meant the couple knew they'd have less time to keep exploring than they otherwise might have, Atherton and Deborah decided they would not let the diagnosis stop their adventures cold. Instead, they opted to keep going until it was no longer possible.
"I took him on an intrepid tour of Myanmar as it was on his hit list. He was just well enough to handle it by then. It was marvellous," Deborah recollected of one of their post diagnosis trips together. "We saw such amazing things. He managed to lose his rucksack in his airport and so we had no guidebook, but every day was such an excitement. I was so blown away by the cave of 1000 buddhas, the gold and the light and the magic of Myanmar."
Deborah felt that going with Intrepid was a safe way to travel as they had support if needed, and felt comfortable that no one else would be put out by Atherton not being "100%". Later on the pair travelled with their kids to Jaipur where they stayed with a friend. "We could keep him safe there," Deborah explained.
"People tend to become more of what they are (when they have dementia). Atherton became more introverted. He became more and more within himself. He couldn't instigate an outing. He wasn't the one sitting on a pier on the Amazon waiting for a boat. He wasn't very good at judging whether things like walking down the middle of the road was a good idea, or if leaning on a lamppost with 50 electric cables on it was a good plan. He wasn't connected in the same way."
During a visit to Mexico to visit Deborah's sister on her 50th birthday Atherton got lost. "I lost him several times in several countries. I've had police in several countries looking for him," Deborah continued.
"I'm still glad we went. For as long as possible his life was filled with the things he enjoyed. I got a book for him when he was in the care home, '100 places you should go'. It was just pictures. I put post-its on things saying 'we went there'. I've been so lucky and privileged to see what I've seen. You understand so much more about how everything is interconnected and nothing exists on its own."
Later on when Deborah began to struggle to care for her husband she took a respite break in the form of an Intrepid Travel food tour of Cambodia while Atherton was looked after back in the UK. As it has after his death, she found the process of getting out into the world, exploring new places and meeting new people helped "keep me in myself".
"I've moved into a smaller house now, Last January I went to Namibia and Cape Town. Traveling hasn't stopped, it is so much part of who I am. It makes me feel whole. I am now a solo traveller, so you do miss the companionship, but that's why small group travel works for people in my position," Deborah said. "It brings you closer to them as you think 'he would've loved this'. He would expect me to continue to do these things."
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