DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have returned to my childhood home to be with my beloved mother, whose days are numbered. What I have never told her is that she has a grandson -- I fathered a boy six years ago. She knows nothing of the child or its mother, who is not in my life anymore.
As my mother is very frail and at times confused, do you feel it would be a benefit or a detriment to share this news with her?
GENTLE READER: If the pleasure of knowing she has descendants would outweigh any confusion or disdain for the circumstances surrounding them, then tell your mother. But if it would cause anguish in your final days together, then perhaps do not.
In either case, while Miss Manners does not wish to get involved in a pronoun argument, she would gently suggest that you use another one to describe your child -- rather than “it.”
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m newly engaged and have started planning the wedding. I’m confused.
To me, the wedding is special for two reasons: the marriage ceremony itself, and the opportunity to host those we love and are closest to. As I plan the event, I’m being told over and over that it’s “my day,” “our day,” and we should “do what we want.”
But it’s not just our day. We are hosting the event and I want to be sure our guests have a good time, feel welcome and are treated hospitably.
So, which is it -- our day to do what we want without consideration for others? Or a day to be married and ensure our guests are having a good time?
GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners could marry you herself, she would. Because you are quite correct: The very idea of marriage is to blend two families and attempt to create harmony between them.
Do not succumb to these questionably intentioned sources telling you to be selfish. They are likely seeking buy-in, either literally (spend more money!) or associatively (if you can get away with it, then they can too). This unsavory mindset must be stopped.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
