DEAR AMY: My closest friend from college is getting married in the fall. He has asked me to be his best man.
The problem is that I don’t want to. The main issue is that this wedding is already shaping up to be very time consuming and expensive. I am graduating from law school, working and studying for the bar exam, and I cannot imagine being able to commit fully to this.
In addition to the wedding itself, he wants me to organize a three-day “stag” party, either in Las Vegas or Wyoming (for fly fishing).
The wedding itself will be a three-day-long event, involving travel, the rehearsal dinner, the wedding, and a brunch afterward.
Just thinking about it exhausts me.
Is there a good way to say “no” to this without insulting my friend or harming the friendship?
– Not the Best Best Man
DEAR NOT THE BEST MAN: Bridezillas and Frankengrooms, take note!
Overall, culturally, I wonder when marrying couples will realize that their attendants have reached the breaking point.
This issue used to be mainly confined to the bride and her attendants (or maybe they just talked about it more).
I have noticed an increase in concerns like yours expressed by men who are feeling the social, personal and economic squeeze of being an attendant.
Your best friend’s wedding is scheduled for several months from now.
Tell him right away that you can’t do this. Preface this tough conversation by telling him how honored you are, but tell him, quite honestly, that you do not have the bandwidth to take on any organizing duties.
Are you available and interested in being a groomsman? If so, let him know, but emphasize that you realize the decision is his to make, and that you will feel honored to attend the wedding as a guest.
You might offer to include his grandmother as your “plus-one” and to prepare and deliver a toast, if he would like.
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DEAR AMY: “Engaged and Worried” didn’t ask his much-younger brother to be in his wedding. Your response was spot on!
I too had a brother 12 years younger, and I headed off to college and the service when he was only six. Although he meant a lot to me, the vast difference in our ages and outlook was always too much to completely erase.
It is still a major source of regret.
Nevertheless, he was an important part of my wedding, a decision which has grown in significance now that he is gone.
He died of AIDS in his 30s, and left a hole in my life.
Jim, I still miss you and will love you always.
– Loving Brother
DEAR LOVING BROTHER: Here’s to Jim. RIP, dear brother.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
