DEAR AMY: I am a middle-age single woman and recently started seeing a man my age. I was married for 20 years, and he has never been married. My two children are in college.
He is a really sweet, smart and respectful man. We share a lot of common interests.
He recently invited me to his home for the first time and … it is fairly disgusting. Not just messy, but very dirty and unhealthy – with food waste and dirty dishes and pots on the counters.
I’m unsure about what to say to him about the state of his house. I truly don’t ever want to spend time there. Up until then we had always gone out or come to my house, which is clean and fairly nice – like in a normal sense. (I’m not a clean freak or anything.)
Should I tell him about how I feel about his house and ask him to clean it up before I come over again?
– Recovering
DEAR RECOVERING: Your guy invited you to his house. Presumably this visit was planned, and he was putting his best foot forward.
He is a mature person living in the world. He is making choices about how he is living. I’m not sure asking him to clean his house would be useful.
You should be honest about where you choose to spend your time: “I’m not comfortable in your house; it is too messy for me to feel at home there.”
I do think it’s important that you understand the reality of a future with someone who doesn’t take good care of himself and his surroundings.
I hope you will continue to enjoy his company, but don’t kid yourself that you will be able to inspire him to live differently.
You’ve had experience in a long marriage; if you two end up cohabiting, you will end up being continually frustrated by his poor life-skills.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
