If you are the least cooperative legal client of all time while neglecting to pay your legal bills, then you may get stuck with a lawyer so bad that he enters into evidence that your nickname is Von ShitzInPants. That’s what happened to Donald Trump yesterday.
Trump’s lawyer, Todd How-The-Fuck-Did-I-Pull-The-Short-Straw Blanche used a social media post from his client’s former fixer/lawyer, Michael Cohen, to argue that a gag order shouldn’t apply to attacking him.
Judge Merchan in the hush money trial ordered Trump not to attack witnesses, which Trump has violated on several occasions, at least nine times. Blanche argued that it shouldn’t apply to Cohen because the former fixer has been trolling Trump on social media and on his podcast. As an example, Blanche pulled up one of Cohen’s posts in which he called Trump Von Shitzinpants. And everyone on CNN laughed.
Seriously, Jake Tapper, Dana Bash, and their panel cracked up with Jake pointing out that they can say the word since it’s now in the court record. Von Shitzinpants is news, folks. Over on Fox News, Laura Ingraham was not happy and probably von-crapped in her own pants from watching the CNN folks report the news.
Ingraham showed the clip of CNN’s panel laughing and then took a long pause, as though she had just shown a clip of Jake Tapper and Dana Bash shooting a puppy in a gravel pit, and then said, “This is CNN.” And then she asked, “Where does James Earl Jones go to get his voiceover back?”
Laura, just like Trump’s lawyer, just put Von Shitzinpants on the record for Trumpers. None of them were watching CNN when they reported on Von Shitinpants and probably never would have known it if it wasn’t for Laura. Thank you, Laura. Thank you for being so incredibly stupid.
Now, imagine what it was like for Donald Trump to have to sit silently while his lawyer put Von Shitzinpants in the court record. Was Trump humiliated? Did Trump ask himself why was he paying that guy (and he probably won’t)? Or maybe Trump was asleep and missed it all.
The story of Trump wearing diapers has not been proven however, Michael Cohen did work closely with Trump for many years. Closely. Probably close enough to smell if Trump was wearing a diaper. I’m just saying.
Donald Trump has many firsts. The first president (sic) who is twice-impeached. He’s the first president (sic) who’s been indicted. He’s the first president (sic) to receive a gag order. He’s the first president (sic) who’s gone to trial. And now, he’s the first president to have his nickname, Von Shitzinpants, entered into a court record.
Donald Trump can create all the derogatory nicknames about Joe Biden that he wants, but none of those, like von Shitzenpants, will ever be in a court record.
Kids, if you haven’t abandoned Elon’s platform yet, your assignment today is to tweet #VonShitzinpants at every Trumper you come across. Keep it trending. Make sure all the goons from Donald Trump Jr, Laura Ingraham, Kevin Sorbo, Ted Nugent, and all the rest of them see it.
All hail Von Shitzinpants!
Visit Clay Jones’s website and email him at Clay@claytoonz.com.
