In a world where romantic relationships traditionally adhere to monogamy, the reaction to a partner’s intimate connection with someone else is typically assumed to be jealousy. However, within the community that practices consensual non-monogamy, a different emotional response known as compersion — defined as feeling joy when a partner is romantically or sexually involved with another person — is increasingly recognized and valued.
A recent study provides insight into the predictors of compersion, revealing that emotional closeness with a partner’s other intimate connections, clear communication about these relationships, and reduced feelings of jealousy are key facilitators. The findings have been published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.
Consensual non-monogamy refers to any relationship where all participants explicitly agree to have more than one romantic or sexual partner. It encompasses various forms, including polyamory, where individuals engage in multiple loving relationships, and open relationships, where partners may have sexual but not romantic relationships outside the primary partnership. The key aspect of consensual non-monogamy is that it involves honesty, transparency, and mutual consent among all parties involved.
“Given the strong mononormativity inherent in our society, simply the idea of compersion is surprising and even shocking to many people: that someone may experience joy about their partner’s intimate relations with other people,” said study author Sharon M. Flicker, an associate professor of psychology at California State University-Sacramento.
“Within polyamorous communities, the topic of compersion can spark lively discussion: at its best, it’s viewed a nice bonus of engaging in polyamory, more reasons to experience positive emotion within their relationships (at its worst, polyamorous individuals can be made to feel ‘less than’ if they do not experience compersion). For these reasons, compersion is an interesting topic of study and both monogamous and polyamorous individuals seem interested in this research.”
“For this particular study, we were eager to empirically test some of the hypotheses that we derived from earlier qualitative research, in which polyamorous individuals who had experienced compersion shared how it felt like to them and what kind of circumstances made it more or less likely that they would experience it.”
For their new study, the researchers collected data through comprehensive surveys filled out by 255 participants, who were recruited from online communities that focus on polyamory and other forms of consensual non-monogamy. The survey included the COMPERSe questionnaire, which assesses three subtypes of compersion: positive feelings toward a partner’s metamour, excitement about a partner forming new intimate connections, and sexual arousal related to thinking about one’s partner and metamour together.
Specifically, the COMPERSe asks participants the extent to which they agree or disagree with statements such as “I am delighted that my partner has a relationship with my metamour,” “I share in the emotional high when my partner tells me about a new potential intimate partner,” and “My partner and metamour’s relationship turns me on sexually.”
Additional questions covered the participants’ relationship satisfaction, their emotional regulation skills, and their interactions with metamours—their partners’ other intimate partners. To provide a robust analysis, the researchers also collected data on individual personality traits like openness and agreeableness, which previous studies suggested might influence compersion.
“The factors most predictive of compersion differ depending on the subtype of compersion we look at,” Flicker told PsyPost. “Far and away, the strongest predictors of compersion towards one’s partner’s relationship with an established metamour (an intimate partner of one’s intimate partner) was how one feels about their metamour.”
“Those who liked their metamour, felt close to them, and who knew more about their partner’s relationship with the metamour experienced higher compersion. These findings also applied to a subtype of compersion that manifests as sexual interest in their partner’s relationship with their metamour.”
“In contrast, the strongest predictors of an individual’s response to a partner’s new flirtation or budding intimate connection were jealousy and attachment anxiety; in other words, feeling less secure about their relationship with their partner meant lower levels of compersion.”
“Interestingly, while a lot of the self-help literature geared to individuals engaged in polyamory focus on intrapersonal work to manage feelings related to one’s partner’s relations with other partners, intrapersonal factors such as self-esteem and personality traits, were not strongly related to the experience of compersion,” Flicker noted.
The study sheds light on the complex interplay of factors that contribute to compersion. But the study, like all research, includes some caveats.
“An important methodological issue related to most quantitative research on consensual (or ethical) non-monogamy is that the scales we use have all been developed with monogamous individuals in mind and have been validated on ostensibly monogamous populations. We need to develop scales that better reflect the lived experiences of consensual non-monogamous individuals, especially given the growing interest in diverse relationship types.”
“The next steps for this research are exciting – how can we apply what we have learned about compersion to develop effective interventions for polyamorous individuals? Despite consensual relationship agreements that include the possibility of intimate connections with multiple people, individuals can have uncomfortable reactions to their partner’s intimate connections with others.”
Designing and testing interventions to help mitigate these negative responses, and foster more positive responses, are sorely needed. The development of these interventions stand to benefit the growing population of individuals engaged in consensual non-monogamy.”
The study, “Your Happiness Is My Happiness: Predicting Positive Feelings for a Partner’s Consensual Extra‑Dyadic Intimate Relations,” was authored by Sharon M. Flicker and Flavia Sancier‑Barbosa.