Here are five metal songs to play on a bar jukebox that will make normal people leave.
No, this is not a hypothetical scenario. What you’ll find below is essentially a field summary of my own audio antics over the years from nights where the amount of money dumped into a TouchTunes jukebox exceeds my bar tab.
Unfortunately, most bars don’t cater exclusively to rock and metal crowds. In most cases, that’s a business model that has laid the most basic foundation for long term success. But for metalheads, it leaves us with little options and sometimes none at all.
It doesn’t mean you have to endure an endless stream of Top 40 hits, insufferable bar sing-alongs or hip-grinding instigators. As long as there’s a digital jukebox and you’ve got the corresponding app and can link financial payment, you experience quickly becomes a choose-your-own adventure book.
Five Metal Songs to Play on the Bar Jukebox That Will Make Normal People Leave
Obituary, “Chopped in Half”
“CHOPPED IN HAUUUGHGHGHAAGHH!!“
That’s what everyone else at the bar hears when Obituary‘s Jon Tardy lets out that signature feral swamp monster roar within the first five seconds on this Cause of Death crowd-pleaser.
I’ve actually had different bars skip this song before the halfway point. With utmost persistence, I made several attempts to hear the song in full, but was denied. One bar even reverted to rotational hits and turned off jukebox requests. More like “WOMPed in Half,” right?
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Acid Bath, “Jezebel”
In my experience, this riffy juggernaut off Acid Bath‘s 1994 debut will play at least five times louder than absolutely every other song programmed into the digital jukebox.
The elongated pauses between percussive riffing tends to be the most confusing to normie patrons. Loud, violent bursts of heavy metal puncture the atmosphere, disappear for a moment and come back to rattle everyone’s IPA-infested brain again.
And there’s still another four-and-a-half minutes of strung out sludge to contend with.
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Darkthrone, “Natassja In Eternal Sleep”
The obnoxious treble and biting lo-fi production of this Darkthrone classic is a nightmare to contend with when there’s dozens of people talking increasingly loud over on another. Unless your favorite piece of musical instrumentation happens to be the hi-hat, those uninitiated into black metal are destined to head for the exit.
That’s why it’s fun to pay the extra credit to have this song play next before you even get to the bar full of non-metalheads. It really fouls the atmosphere and it’s guaranteed there will be space at the bar so you can walk right in and order without any wait.
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READ MORE: 12 Metal Songs That Sound LIke You Need to Call a Plumber
Almost Anything by King Diamond or Mercyful Fate
The piercing falsetto shrieks of King Diamond are something most people are not even aware is something achievable with the human voice.
Okay, so not almost anything applies here as there’s a fair deal of songs in the Mercyful Fate and King Diamond catalogs where the legendary singer uses his mid-range to great effect. So I have one recommendation from each band.
“Devil Eyes,” from Mercyful Fate’s self-titled 1982 EP is by far the most obnoxious if you have an aversion to King’s voice. While impressive, it lacks the fine-tuning he achieved not long after.
On the King Diamond end, the obvious choice is “Welcome Home.” Even those posers at the bar might recognize it from the Clerks II movie soundtrack. King’s falsetto wail comes in early and might startle people enough to cause some drink spillage.
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Helloween, “Keeper of the Seven Keys” (full version)
How much of this 13-and-a-half minute epic power metal masterpiece can outsiders at the bar stomach? Find out — it costs the same amount to play this song as one that’s only three minutes long.
“Keeper of the Seven Keys” is deceptive in this scenario. It opens with a beautiful acoustic bit and some delicate singing from a very young Michael Kiske. That only lasts for about 40 seconds and it quickly becomes apparent that this is going to be an endurance test for everyone but you.
The only hope to make a metal convert is that there’s someone in the bar who has studied classical music and can pick up on Helloween‘s outstanding neoclassical guitar tandem of Kai Hansen and Michael Weikath.
If you really want to raise the stakes, you can occupy a solid hour on the jukebox by picking three or four epics in a row. Go do it, you little devil, you.
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