DEAR ANNIE: I believe a family member of mine may have an untreated personality disorder. She either loves or hates people, but that can flip in an instant. She is vindictive and punishes people for even a perceived slight. Her punishment can be extremely cruel and calculated. She often dreams up ways to emotionally devastate people. She constantly has conflict at work and has no friends, yet she is extremely needy to those she feels close to. She and her spouse are verbally abusive toward each other and talk terribly about each other behind the other’s back.
It’s emotionally exhausting to be around, but I grew up with her. She was essentially abandoned by her parents and our extended family took her in. We are a very tight-knit immigrant family.
She recently physically attacked me. It was the last straw. I ceased contact. However, she reached out to make amends and apologized, blaming her behavior on stress at work. Unfortunately, I was duped. She’s up to her old tricks, and she can be just as nasty and hateful as ever.
We are both “expected,” like a typical tight immigrant family, to attend events together frequently. What can I do to keep from falling into this old habit of getting sucked into her whirlwind? Do I need to cease contact from my entire family to get away from her? Many in our family don’t like her, but it is an unwritten rule that you don’t turn your back on family no matter how badly they behave. -- Tired of the Whirlwind
DEAR TIRED: What a toxic whirlwind you’re in, indeed. I’m sorry you’re experiencing both emotional and now physical abuse from this woman, both of which are unacceptable.
Cutting off all contact with your whole family seems both drastic and unnecessary; it’s unfair to you to let go of the loving and supportive people in your life just to avoid one bad seed. Start by setting boundaries; it’s OK to decline invites to functions where you know she and her spouse will be in attendance. When seeing them is unavoidable, keep your interactions with them very brief. This woman clearly has deep-seated issues, and you can’t fix them for her. Instead, focus on protecting your inner peace and not getting wrapped up in her drama.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
