DEAR AMY: I am a man in my 20s, exclusively dating my girlfriend for the last three years. We are very compatible and are talking about moving in together.
I have met her family members a few times socially but have never spent much time with them.
Recently we took a trip to her hometown and stayed with her folks. Her parents seem very nice, and as far as I can tell they approve of me. We spent four days there and had a nice time.
I’m a little concerned because while we were there I felt like my girlfriend wasn’t very nice to her mother. She acted very irritated by her mother and was snapping at her. She seemed to react to her grandmother the same way – impatient and bordering on rude. I witnessed this in person and I’ve also heard her be this way with her mother on the phone.
Lately I have to admit that she seems to be treating me a little bit this way, too. When she is bothered or irritated, she snaps and is very short with me.
I really did not like seeing her this way with her mother, I don’t like being treated this way, and I’m wondering if this is a red flag about our future.
– Snapped At
DEAR SNAPPED AT: Mothers and daughters sometimes share a tricky dynamic. You’re not likely to influence a lifetime of feelings between your girlfriend and the women in her life, but adults are supposed to be able to control their behavior.
So call her on this. When she snaps at you, call her on it.
And the next time you two are having one of those conversations where you’re discussing each other’s foibles and failings, you should tell her how it strikes you when you witness her being impatient and rude toward her mother and grandmother.
Yes, I’d say that this behavior is a red flag, but it is also behavior your girlfriend can change – and she should absolutely be willing to work on it.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
