Romantic relationships are an incredibly complex part of human life and a relationship therapist has revealed the ‘most common problem’ he sees in men seeking advice.
Dr David Perl and his wife Ruth are both qualified relationship counselors and psychotherapists who use their TikTok channel, The Married Therapists, to share their decades of expertise.
The ‘most common problem’ relationship therapist sees in men
In a recent video posted to the social media site, Dr David Perl is asked, ‘What’s the most common problem you see in male clients?’
Without hesitating, he says, “This is an easy one because I see it in virtually every man that I work with.”
“I will call it ‘nice guy syndrome’ and there’s lots written about this,” he adds. “This is where a man learns through, we call it, ‘death by 1,000 accessions.’”
This is “where in a marriage or a long-term relationship, men end up trying to appease and placate their partners,” Dr Perl explains. “And they do this by not really speaking honestly and this comes from men being fearful of actually speaking up and making their partners angry or upsetting them.”
“What happens is that the man then ends up losing himself in the relationship because he’s constantly being that nice guy who’s being dishonest and disingenuous when he doesn’t want to do something, doesn’t agree with something,” the therapist adds.
“So in relationships, we see this ‘nice guy syndrome’ playing out and it drives the other partners crazy because they don’t know where they stand with a lack of honesty from their partner,” he says.
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How to combat ‘nice guy syndrome’
As part of his role as a therapist, Dr Perl has a couple of ways he helps his male clients overcome this apparent ‘nice guy syndrome.’
“It’s training and teaching men, it’s ok to say ‘no,’” he explains. “You don’t have to be liked by everybody because in reality, in life, that is not going to happen.”
“There’s a great book by Dr Robert Glover called No More Mr Nice Guy, and I get nearly every man that I work with on a one-to-one basis to read that,” he says.
The book in question was first published in 2000 and since then, it’s earned more than 19,000 ratings on Good Reads where it currently has a star rating of 4.04.
“So many of them come back and say, ‘Wow, that book’s written about me,’” concludes the therapist. “So I really strongly recommend that book.”
