The election has only just been called and already we have a winner.
It's not Rishi Sunak, Sir Keir Starmer, Ed Davey or whoever that new bloke is up in Scotland.
It is disgraced former Post Office chief Paula Vennells, who would likely be making headlines for her disastrous handling of the Horizon software scandal.
But thanks to the news of a July election, Vennells is largely out of the spotlight, which is why she should use her multi-million pound payoff from the Post Office to send Rishi Sunak a thank you box of Cadbury's Celebrations.
Not celebrating our 344 Tory MPs, who are the turkeys that not only did not vote for Christmas, but may now be getting stuffed six months early.
Backbenchers would have eked out a few extra months of salary before the inevitable visit to the job centre.
The parliamentary Hewlett-Packard laser printer has been working overtime, turning out P45 to members of Parliament in previously safe seats.
So why did Rishi Sunak call an early general election? Has the economic revival already peaked? Will the small boats continue arriving throughout the summer? Was he trying to ward off an 11th hour leadership mutiny?
Well, some in the recesses of Twitter are speculating that a war with Russia is coming and Sunak doesn't want to be a wartime PM. Although, let's be honest, the invasion of Ukraine looks like a minor skirmish compared to doing battle with Andrea Jenkyns, Suella Braverman and Jacob Rees-Mogg.
Others are suggesting that the PM wants to take a top job in the United States, where he has a Californian home and, of course, that notorious green card. Keen observers point out that American schools don't start until early September, which means an easy transition for him and his kids should they decide to head stateside.
But politics is a funny old business. I'm not sure that I believe the polls. Who the hell is going to be honest and tell a 21 year old woke graduate with a clipboard on the street that they're voting Tory?
After all, Labour have their own problems. Polling suggests that the momentum behind Labour is to do with the public's fatigue in regards to the Tories, not enthusiasm for Starmer's bill of goods. But not being leader of the Conservatives may be enough to get Starmer across the line.
The Labour offer seems to be a simple one to provide an alternative, but not scare the horses by suggesting any controversial policies. In other words, we will deliver change, but not too much change. If you get my line of reasoning, a Labour victory is highly likely, but that presents Sunak with an opportunity. The most dangerous opponent, after all, is the one with nothing to lose.
Rishi Sunak could promise to pause immigration altogether. He could promise to drag us out of the European Convention on Human Rights. He could scrap inheritance tax, he could promise an Oasis reunion and get the Gallagher brothers together. He could promise a new series of The Office with David Brent.
Sunak can roll the dice big time, as he has done with the election date. The truth is, it's all to play for. Each party has its merits and its downsides. And if we're honest, millions don't know who they're going to vote for. In fact, a don't know prime minister leading a don't know government made up of don't know MPs would probably be the most popular administration in a hundred years.
But when it comes to the keys for Number Ten, it is Starmer versus Sunak. One of them will prevail. But in either case, I'm not sure the country wins.
