DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a 63-year-old man who previously weighed considerably more than I do now. I currently appear to be very healthy, and look the best I have in at least 30 years.
When people approach me to say how fantastic I look after not having seen me in a while, the quizzing begins almost immediately: Did you diet, exercise, have surgery, what? Then inevitably, there we are, in line at the coffee shop, talking about my cancer.
I really don’t mind that people know, but I need a softer delivery than I’ve been using, which is some version of, “I’ve endured a brutal two-year cancer treatment that saved my life. How are the kids?”
I’m ultimately left feeling like a bit of a fraud after accepting all the compliments on my appearance. Should I simply say “thank you” and carry on, or can you suggest something more graceful that might benefit both parties? It’s worth noting that a simple “thank you” has rarely been effective at shutting down the line of questioning.
An additional downside of looking healthy while actually being very sick is that it often creates barriers to care. For example, medical providers at the ER often don’t believe me when I’m describing my horrific symptoms. I’d love to add some grace to those obnoxious discussions.
GENTLE READER: That this happens at all is, to put it mildly, disheartening, and that it happens with medical professionals is disgraceful.
Miss Manners understands the people in question to be, for the most part, acquaintances, not friends -- they remember your prior appearance, but you have not seen them in some time. The response you are seeking is a somber and simple, “In fact, I’ve been extremely ill” without elaboration.
The gracious response -- not that you should expect to hear it often -- is, “Oh, I’m so sorry.”
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
