Exclusivity and commitment aren’t the unspoken rules of a romantic relationship anymore. There’s a new trend on the rise called ‘Tolyamory’, and it argues infidelity isn’t problematic.
The new form of infidelity has raised eyebrows, dividing romantic partners over its terms. Unlike in a Polyamorous relationship – consensual non-monogamy – Tolyamory can be damaging due to its blurred boundaries. But a relationship and dating expert tells The Focus, that a Tolyamarous relationship can be “healthy” if both partners stick to certain conditions.
What is a Tolyamorus relationship?
You must live under a rock if you haven’t heard of Tolyarmous relationship yet. It’s the next big thing for all the wrong reasons, should the couples involved not know what they are signing up for.
The term tolyamory was coined by dating and relationship expert, Dan Savage, who explained it as the willingness of one partner “to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief affair after years of marriage.”
What the non-cheating partner does instead is “focus on all the ways their spouse demonstrates their commitment and shows their love,” the expert explains.
In the process of acceptance for whatever reason, the cheating becomes tolerable although it’s not explicitly discussed or agreed upon, which isn’t the case in a polyamorous relationship where consent is mutual.
Expert weighs in on the new relationship trend
The Focus got in touch with the clinical psychologist and relationship expert with RAW app, Dr. Betsy Chung for a professional opinion on the more unacceptable yet acceptable form of infidelity. She says tolyamory isn’t necessarily bad if both parties agree to certain rules.
She tells The Focus: “Tolyamory can have its pros and cons depending on the feelings of BOTH partners,” before adding: “For example, if both partners have some understanding that their partner may engage in extramarital affairs, have agreed to not talk about it and neither is hurt by it, then it may be acceptable and healthy for the relationship.”
The dating expert says a couple may choose to turn their relationship tolyamorous if they lack intimacy and both don’t associate it with love. Despite reaching an understanding among themselves, the couple has to be more mindful of the “unconventional relationship” if they share children as it can confuse them. Therefore, it needs to be explained to their understanding.
Even though tolyamory can be healthy in the above instance, it can become toxic and leave one of the partners feeling hurt if infidelity is tolerated as “a way to avoid conflict or preserve a relationship,” she says.
Dr. Betsy tells The Focus: ” For example, if one partner continuously engages in infidelity, and their partner continues to be hurt but turns a blind eye because they’re tired of fighting, that would result in the tolerating partner’s ongoing suffering.”
“In healthy relationships, both partners’ feelings should be considered before decisions are made, and if even one person is hurt or not agreeable to their partner’s actions, then the goal should be for both partners to come to some compromise so that neither need to suffer ongoing hurt,” she added.
