If I were to ask anyone who the worst character in Game of Thrones was, I’d wager that at least two-thirds of people would immediately name King Joffrey I Baratheon. I’d also bet that if you asked the same question about House of the Dragon, Ser Criston Cole would be top of the list – especially after last week’s episode.
Upon reflection, I realise I have the same uncontrollable raging eye twitch when both appear onscreen. Perhaps that’s because they share a lot of similar personality traits and plot arcs that make me want to pull my hair out and yell at the TV (I can’t deny not actually doing the latter).
I commend Fabien Frankel and Jack Gleeson, whose stellar performances truly got under my skin. It’s a shame that audiences have seen this reason to give the actors hate on social media – after all, they’re doing a brilliant job convincing us of how hideous their characters are.
Without further ado, here are the top five reasons Criston Cole and Joffrey Baratheon’s stories make me despise them so much.
Spoilers for Game of Thrones and House of the Dragon up to the latest episode, season 2 episode 3.
Both Criston and Joffrey fail upwards
There’s nothing more aggravating than watching someone awful and incompetent be rewarded, and both these plots are integral to the trajectories of Joffrey and Criston.
Episode 2 showed Criston being awarded the role of Hand of the King by man-child King Aegon II, who fired the competent (if ruthless and cold-hearted) strategist Otto Hightower based on a petty comment he made.
This new promotion came after Lord Commander of the Kingsguard Criston essentially allowed an infant royal to be decapitated, as he was too busy getting it on with Alicent Hightower – the King’s mother – in secret.
HBO
Fans of the original show will recognise a similar path with Joffrey, who was immediately crowned King after his father, Robert Baratheon, passed away. This is despite lying about starting (and losing) a fight with Arya Stark and then suggesting invading Winterfell just because he was humiliated.
The brat of a King then goes on to commit some heinous acts and doesn’t see retribution for a long time, which leads me nicely on to…
Neither take accountability for their actions
Both characters commit some awful acts and mistakes, and in typical George R.R. Martin style, get away with them scot-free for a while.
In episode three, Criston has the audacity to laugh when Alicent brings up Ser Arryk Cargyll’s death at the council meeting – which he was directly responsible for because he wanted someone to blame for the murder of the future King. The opening shot of his brooding look could imply some level of guilt, but he never outwardly expresses that.
In season 1, he brutally beat Ser Joffrey Lonmouth to death at Rhaenyra and Laenor’s wedding and fatally smashed Lord Lyman Beesbury’s head into a table when he lost his temper. Again, he faced zero repercussions.
As for Joffrey, well, where do I begin? He caused unrest in the city twice when he saw fit to executive numerous civilians. He kept Sansa Stark under awful conditions, psychologically torturing her by forcing her to look at Ned Stark’s head on a spike.
That’s not even mentioning his vicious and disgusting language and insults, with hardly anyone ever putting him in his place – with the exceptions of Tywin and Tyrion.
The pair are terrible to women
Misogyny and sexism are commonplace in both these shows, but Criston and Joffrey are some of the worst offenders.
Criston’s whole loyalty to Team Green stems from him being romantically rejected by the then-teenage Rhaenyra Targaryen. Even since, he’s taken pettiness to another level, hell-bent on a long-term quest for revenge. Even his affair with Alicent feels personal, as they sleep in Rhaenyra’s old bedroom in A Son for a Son.
Joffrey is of course on another level here. His torment of Sansa includes ordering Ser Meryn to beat and strip her in front of the Iron Throne, threatening to assault her during her wedding to Tyrion, and murdering her Direwolf, Lady.
He also orders two prostitutes to hurt each other on his birthday by threatening them with a crossbow. What a charmer.
Successful war strategising? Forget about it
While I may dislike both Tywin Lannister and Otto Hightower, I can admire their tenacity when it comes to battle. These qualities are absent in my fictional nemeses.
Criston’s decision to have Ser Arryk pose as his identical twin was a cartoonishly bad plan, resulting in two unnecessary deaths and further fuel in the war. In episode 3 (where he debutes his dumb new haircut), he brushes off Alicent’s concerns about travelling in a small group, and as such nearly meets his demise.
Equally, Joffrey foolishly tries to place himself on the front-line during Stannis Baratheon’s attempted invasion of King’s Landing. He claims that he’ll kill Stannis himself, but later cowardly flees the battle, which damages the morale of the army. Tyrion just manages to get them to hold on until the cavalry arrives.
Ollie Upton/HBO
They just keep on surviving the bloodshed
Perhaps the most annoying thing about Criston and Joffrey is that they just won’t die.
In the latest episode, Criston comes so close to being burned to a crisp by Baela Targaryen and Moondancer, who chase the Hand and Ser Gwayne Hightower across an open field. It would have been sweet justice for the previous episode, but alas the Hand survived to fight another insufferable day.
Joffrey often avoided battle, with his life only coming into danger during riots and the Stannis assault. He managed to make it all the way to season four. However, that did make the Purple Wedding one of the most satisfying moments in the show.
This moment was only bested by his murderer, Olenna Tyrell, later delivering the stone-cold line to Jaime Lannister “Tell Cersei, I want her to know it was me”. It still gets a fist pump from me every time I hear it.
I can only pray that we see the eventual demise of Cole, which will no doubt leave me yelling at the TV… but this time, in joy.
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