DEAR ANNIE: I was abused by my dad as a child, and my relationship with my mother was hell growing up. She was verbally and physically abusive toward me well into my 20s. She began a new relationship and things got worse. The situation between us got a little better when she became sick and I had to take care of her. My siblings didn’t pitch in, even though she treated them better than she did me.
I have two daughters now, and she makes comments or critiques the way I parent. If I defend myself, she calls me disrespectful and says I’m hurting her feelings. I am very close to my two daughters. My mother now wants to be close with me (and them, too), but I can’t. I’ve tried to forgive her for the past, but she hasn’t changed. She’s rude to my kids sometimes, and I have to defend them from her. It’s not the relationship I want them to have with her. I had a great relationship with my grandmothers. I love her, but I don’t want to be around her sometimes. She’s just too much. How do I tell her she needs to change or we can’t have a relationship? -- Over It
DEAR OVER IT: You are under no obligation to bring harmful energy around your children -- whether it comes from your mother or anyone else.
The first step is establishing what your boundaries are. Then, communicate them in no uncertain terms to your mother. If she is not willing to respect them, then she is not welcome around your kids. Simple as that.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
