DEAR ABBY: I am 29, and I lost my dad last year. I am writing to ask how I can help my 5-year-old understand death better. He misses his grandpa so much that he cries. Sometimes he tells me he remembers a lot about my dad, and other times he tells me he doesn’t. I am very worried that he is suppressing his memories of my father, and I don’t want him to.
My son has a lot of good memories from when he was younger. I tried to show him pictures of my dad and him together, but tonight he mixed up his memories of him with another grandpa. I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn’t open up. How can I get him to open up to me and start remembering? -- REMEMBERING IN INDIANA
DEAR REMEMBERING: Your son is 5. Of course he misses his grandfather. But expecting him to cling to every memory of the short time they spent together is unrealistic, regardless of how much you wish it. You could benefit from discussing this with a child psychologist.
You cannot force the boy to remember, and trying to do that or make him feel guilty could actually be harmful. Books have been written for children on the subject of death. Please consider getting one or more for your boy.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
