From building flat-pack furniture to giving the walls a fresh lick of paint, DIY is a common argument starter in most couples.
As many give their home a new lease of life this spring, a psychologist has shared seven tips to make things run more smoothly.
Why couples DIY is so stressful
In a new study, Toolstation surveyed 500 people and found that almost half of all couples face disagreements while doing DIY.
Relationship expert Jessica Alderson said this is because DIY is an “intense period of communication, compromise, decision-making, power dynamics, and time management”.
Couples who do home renovation projects together are often faced with a series of “micro-decisions” that can quickly add up and “cause tension”.
For example, when fitting a new door, you have to make loads of decisions including the design, type of wood, colour, finish, handles, locks and hinges.
“If these decisions aren’t handled well, one or both partners can feel like their opinions don’t matter, which can lead to resentment and arguments,” she continued.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Gurpreet Kaur said the success of a joint DIY project depends on “good communication” and can be affected by temperament, stress levels, and responsibilities.
“Problems may occur if there are communication breakdowns, expectations not being met and a lack of understanding about external circumstances impacting the project, such as delivery dates or contractor difficulties,” she said.
7 tips for a stress-free DIY day
Alderson and Kaur have recommended these seven tips forsurviving DIY projects with your partner -without any fights!
1. Work together as a team
The most important thing is to approach DIY with the mindset that you are a team working together towards the same goal.
It shouldn’t be a battle between two people with different ideas, it should be a blend of both of your preferences.
“Clear communication and joint goals are the key to relationships running smoothly during DIY projects,” Dr. Kaur said.
2. Put yourself in their shoes
If you feel yourself getting argumentative or defensive, it’s a great idea to step back and put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
Try to understand why they are getting heated, and you’ll see it’s probably just because they want a living space they love and feel comfortable in.
Don’t ignore your own needs, but approach the situation from a more understanding point of view and talk to each other.
3. Be open to compromise
It’s also really important to be open to compromise and realise that you might not be able to have everything you want.
“It’s not about ‘giving in’ to each other but rather finding a middle ground that you both feel comfortable with,” the relationship expert said.
This could involve compromising on certain aspects of the project or even taking it in turn to make decisions.
4. Divide tasks based on strengths
Another great tip for avoiding renovation squabbles is dividing out the tasks based on each person’s strengths.
You and your partner will have different skills when it comes to DIY, and you can both have a helpful input.
Dividing the tasks will save time and effort and get the job done better, while also reducing potential conflicts.
5. Celebrate wins together
Alderson also explained the importance of celebrating the small wins for a successful DIY day at home.
“Celebrate smaller milestones and successes during a DIY project together. This will help to keep motivation high and remind both of you that you are working towards a common goal,” she said.
For example, if your partner did a great job painting a wall, make sure to complement them, which helps maintain positive energy.
6. Set expectations beforehand
Dr. Kaur said it’s good practice to talk about any foreseeable problems which may arise before you start the project too.
“This gives couples the opportunity to set clear expectations, and form agreements about taking time away from the project to reconnect and reflect on any stress that’s arising.”
Doing this helps manage the stress and makes sure you’re both on the same page. For example, it’s helpful to set a budget as money is one of the leading causes of conflict.
7. Take breaks when needed
Tiredness, hunger, and thirst can all contribute to crankiness too, and DIY can be physically and mentally draining, so it’s important to take breaks when needed.
The psychologist says you should pause and relax the body by bringing more oxygen into the bloodstream and slowing breathing down. A great way to do this is the 4-4-8 method.
“Breathe in through your nose for four seconds. Hold your breath, while making sure not to tense your body, for four seconds and breathe out through your mouth for eight seconds,” she said.
This expertise was provided by Toolstation. Jessica Alderson is a relationship expert who founded the dating app So Syncd. Dr. Kurpreet Gaur is a Chartered Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Practitioner who offers a compassionate therapeutic experience to help people heal from the roots.
