DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our granddaughter, who is 5 years old, came up to her grandfather, who was seated at the dinner table, and told him, “Get up! You can’t sit there! That’s my chair!”
Our son and DIL were witnesses. I came into the room, found my husband standing at the breakfast bar, holding his plate and eating his dinner. I said, “For heaven’s sake, you can go and sit down!!!” He replied, “We’ll talk about this later.”
My husband later told me that because our son and DIL were witnesses, he had no desire to say anything. “She’s their daughter, and we have no say in how they choose to raise her.” This is usual for our granddaughter, who had earlier told me, “Be quiet! I want to talk now!”
We left the next day, very early, without bidding our granddaughter and DIL goodbye. He’s done. Might Miss Manners suggest another way to have handled this?
GENTLE READER: Something, you mean, between ignoring the problem entirely and cutting off all ties with your family?
Miss Manners will try. Five years old is awfully young to be declared a lost cause.
It is true that, in general, one does not want to correct a child’s behavior in front of the parents. But there are ways around that. And grandparents get special dispensation -- especially since the infraction(s) were directed at you.
Your husband could have said to her, “I was not aware that this was your chair, but is there a nicer way you could tell me? And a suggestion of where would be a better place for me to sit?”
And you could have politely told her, “When I’m done speaking, you can have a turn.”
But if you feel that being a parent is a requirement, Miss Manners reminds you that you are one, to your son. Take him aside and tell him that you do not want to interfere in how they rear their child, but you will not be spoken to in that manner.
A third option is to procure some one-on-one time with your grandchild, affording an opportunity to teach her the valuable lesson of treating others with respect. While the child may resist this at first, Miss Manners is certain she will come to appreciate it. Because if someone does not teach her manners soon, it will be a far more painful lesson in the future from teachers, peers and the entire service industry.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
