DEAR AMY: My husband and I have been married for a long time. We have two grown children.
I have always thought we were “meant to be.” We have lots of mutual interests; we laugh, we talk when there is a problem, and we don’t keep secrets.
A few days ago, I came back quickly from an errand. I went to tell him I was home, and found him looking at porn on his computer.
I was shocked at what he was watching, and extremely hurt. It felt like he was being unfaithful – sexually and mentally.
I asked him why he was looking at it and he said he didn’t know.
I said I would talk to him when he knew the answer. He said nothing for three days.
Finally, I talked and was crying and told him how terribly hurt I was. He said he wouldn’t do it anymore. I asked how long he had been doing this, and he said for a few years.
I’ve tried to forgive. I need help to let this go, but I haven’t been able to.
How can I resolve this?
– Devastated
DEAR DEVASTATED: The reason your husband kept this a secret is because he knew how you would react, and he didn’t want to cope with your emotions and feelings of betrayal. I strongly suspect that he loves and values you, and he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.
To grossly generalize, I don’t think men see viewing porn as a betrayal of their partners, because for them it isn’t necessarily personal – it’s sexual. Your husband chose to remain silent rather than describe his feelings and impulses.
I hope you can approach this without panicking in order to give him latitude to talk about this aspect of his life.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
