DEAR AMY: I recently became engaged to my boyfriend, “Harry.”
Harry and I have been in a relationship for three years.
I deeply love him, but I’m facing a problem with his parents, who seem to dislike me.
His folks often behave in a passive-aggressive manner toward me. They have sent me threatening texts, such as: “Don’t get married to my son” and “You’re a bad influence on my son.”
They also said that they would not be attending the wedding.
Recently, they stopped all communication with Harry. He’s their son!
Harry has always had a close relationship with his father, and not seeing him for weeks has been affecting him.
Although Harry tells me he is okay, I can see that he is not.
He is often hostile toward me, blaming me for ruining his relationship with his parents. He refuses to talk to me about this and when I have brought it up, he will ignore me for the next few hours until I apologize.
This is hurtful, and I’m considering canceling the wedding. However, I understand that he is under tremendous pressure at the moment, and I’m not sure what to do.
Can you please help me with some advice?
– Confused in Connecticut
DEAR CONFUSED: “Harry’s” parents are demanding that he pick sides, and he is.
Harry is choosing his parents. He might not talk like he is choosing them, but he is. He is choosing them by behaving like them.
And even if Harry were not choosing his parents over you – the behavior you describe is a red flag in terms of how he responds to confusion or conflict. Freezing you out until you apologize for trying to discuss an important conflict is NOT a balanced, appropriate or peaceful way to treat someone you love.
His folks are doing this to him, and he is doing this to you.
Wedding planning can be a stressful, high-conflict period that tests relationships. But the marrying couple is supposed to pass these tests.
Canceling the wedding is up to you. But if you go ahead and marry Harry without resolving this conflict in a peaceful and loving way, the consequence of the choice to marry will be long-lasting and quite possibly heartbreaking.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
